A Dread Pirate, A Drunk Pirate, and A Dead Pirate
by Nota Lone
Summary: A crossover between Pirates of the Carribean and Princess Bride. :) Rating for constant drunkenness and some (semi)dead people. Also for insanity not sutable for little chitlens.
1. Because the Rum's gone

Disclamer: Of course I own it! I own it all! Muahahahhahaha! (is dragged off by copyright lawyers) I'm editing Naomi. I hate bag-pipes too. Of course, I could use them to take over the world...ow. I think I pulled an insanity musle in my brain.

* * *

Jack was not happy. It's not easy to be happy to be trapped on an island in the middle of nowhere by someone you killed…mostly. Yep, return of Cap'n Bo-bo (a new and exciting name for Barbosa). Turns-out he decided that the evil monkey, Jack (here-on known as evil-stupid-monkey-thing) gave Barbosa a piece of the cursed Aztec gold. Barbosa is now reliving his nightmare, but he swore that Jack would too. (Hence the whole marooned-on-a-gawd-forsaken-island fiasco.) As I was saying, Jack was just contemplating the irony of it all (the rum was gone) when he saw a ship. He ran over in his rock star-like gait.

"Hello! O'er here!" Jack was in total ecstasy seeing the pirate flag. It wasn't his ship and it wasn't Anne-Marie's, but hey, it couldn't be Barbosa. Barbosa wasn't coming back. He had some twisted revenge plot or something to attend to, which, at the current moment, wasn't Jack's problem. "Mate!"

A blond man stepped of the ship. He _looked_ like a pirate, and he wasn't Norrington or Barbosa. (I have this weird feeling you already know.)

"I am the Dread Pirate Roberts."

Jack drew himself up to his drunken height (nearly six foot and lopsided). "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Captain?"

"Yes, captain."

"You have no ship."

"I know that."

"So you aren't really a Captain."

"Oh, I'm a Captain. My ship was stolen."

"By who?"

"My dead, mutinous crew."

"I see. You're a captain with no ship, because it was stolen by your dead crew?"

The Dread Pirate Roberts turned to the blond woman now standing next to him. "I believe this man is drunk. Probably sun-stroke to boot. Please get someone to put him in the brig."

"Not drunk. The rum's gone."

"I'll get Fezzik."

Jack's kohl-rimmed eyes opened to a new and great wideness as he watched the giant lumber over.

"The lady said that there was a drunk man…..oh! There's the drunk man!"Fezzik proceeded to toss Jack over his shoulder and take him to the brig.

"I can walk, mate! Ain't nothing wrong with me legs!"

Jack was ignored and carried to the brig. A Spaniard with curious scars across his countenance surveyed him. "He doesn't look like on of Humperdink's henchmen."

"We can't be sure, Inigo."

Before Jack could ask who the heck Humperdink was, they left.

"Good night, sleep well; I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

"Ah, just like Tortuga."


	2. Jack's Story

Last chapter before I leave for Cancun. (Weeeee!) Review or I'll slash you to ribbons.

Inigocame into the hull with breakfast.

"RUM!" hollered Jack seeing the liquid on the breakfast tray. Just then Buttercup walked in.

"I don't believe he needs the rum."

Jack put on his best puppy-dog face. (Which, with his kohl-rimmed eyes, was pretty scary.) "You wouldn't deny a poor, marooned pirate a bit of drink, would ya luv?"

Buttercup did her best not to smile as she glared at him. "Don't call me luv."

Jack did that weird praying thing with his hands. "Whatever you say Miss, now….the rum…"

Buttercup rolled her eyes. "Fine, give him the rum, it'll loosen his lips. But don't give him too much. He needs to be semi-lucid when my West-Roberts interviews him.

Jack wasn't surprised that Roberts wasn't his real name. The Dread Pirate West (or whatever his name was) didn't sound very scary. Plus, pirate names were often handed down. It eliminated the whole 'work to get an image' thing. Anything that eliminated work was a good thing in the eyes of this pirate. Jack had barely had a sip of his alcohol when 'Roberts' came in.

"You ready to tell all?"

Jack took another swig of his rum. Of course he was ready to tell all. Barbosa was probably already after Turner. As annoying as that boy was, Jack didn't want him killed. "Whatever you need to know mate."

"All right Captain Jack Sparrow. Are you from Gilder?"

Another swig of rum. "Nope, never heard of it, is it in France?"

"Hmmm, do you know of Florence?"

"That's in France too, isn't it?"

"No, I've never even heard of France. Are you in leagues with Prince Humperdink?"

"He's not French. They've got weird names, but not that weird."

"Fine then, what's your story."

Jack put down the rum. "I'm Captain of the Black Pearl. It was stolen from me by my mutinous crew and first mate Barbosa. I was marooned and they stole cursed Aztec gold that kept them from feeling anything and made them walking skeletons in the moonlight. I was picked up by rum-runners and eventually got to Port Royal. There I met Will Turner, only son of Bootstrap Bill. Barbosa and his crew had sent 'im down to Davy Jones' locker, ergo they needed to use his blood to break the curse. Will was in love with the governor's daughter. The long and short of it is that we beat the pirates; I killed Barbosa, but apparently not very thoroughly, and was nearly hanged. Will married Turner with the blessing of her fiancée Commodore Norrington, who, I must say, is very nice for a man trying to kill me. Now Barbosa needs Will's blood again and will probably kill Elizabeth (governor's daughter). Will, chivalrous idiot that he is, with jump over the side of the boat or somethin' equally stupid, hollerin' something about 'true love' the whole way. Savvy?"

"That wasn't a very believable story."

"If it wasn't true, I wouldn't be telling it to you. I can come-up with a much better story."

"I'll believe you." Roberts turned to Buttercup. "What do you think?"

"I think we should help them. We've evaded Humperdink and we went through the Cliffs of Insanity. There's no telling were we are. Plus, it's for true love."

Roberts turned to Inigo. "And you?"

"I killed the six-fingered man. There's nothing else I need to do."

Fezzikwas standing at the doorway. "I think the lady's right."

Roberts turned to Jack. "I guess the odds are in your favor. Now, I'm betting they don't like pirates wherever we're going."

"No, no pirates allowed in Port Royal."

"Were can I get a new crew?"

"Tortuga."

"Good, then to Tortuga. I was going to give-up pirating anyway."

"GIVE-UP PIRATING?"

Roberts smiled. "It's not like I'm the real Dread Pirate Roberts anyway."


	3. The Calm Before I Make Everything Explod...

The Dread Pirate Robert's ship docked at Tortuga and Jack led them all to his favorite bar. Buttercup expressed great indignation at the status of women on the island. Jack rolled his eyes.

"Women."

He was promptly slapped by Buttercup, Anna-Maria, Scarlet and various other women Jack had met.

"What is it with bloody slapping me? I didn't deserve that!"

Anna-Maria stared Jack down. "They took my ship you idiot!" Slap. "They took the Caribbean Jewel because they couldn't find your precious Pearl!" (The Caribbean Jewel was formerly known as the Interceptor.)

Jack rubbed his face. "Fine, maybe I did deserve that one. But they didn't find the Pearl, right?"

Ana-Maria gave an exasperated snort. "No."

Mr. Gibbs walked (fine, drunkenly waddled) over to Jack. "Jack! You're alive!"

"Apparently, mate. And you?"

Mr. Gibbs fell over, partially because he was in a drunken stupor, and partially because he didn't want to tell Jack about what else the pirates took…

* * *

Humperdink stood at the prow of his ship. "These are still Florin waters, are they not?"

"Y-yes m'lord."

Humperdink rolled his eyes for the four thousand, seventy-sixth time that week. 'When will they learn the difference between servitude and annoying me? If that cursed Spaniard hadn't killed Rougen…' He noticed the man still standing there. "Well, what are you waiting for? Find out what that ship is doing on our waters!"

"Yes m'lord."

Humperdink rolled his eyes for the four thousand, seventy-seventh time that week.

* * *

"Captain Brown, Captain Brown!"

The scary man with the studs in his face turned around to face Piangi (the one with the loose eyeball. Yeah, him).

"What do you want?" he snarled.

"Th-there's a big cliff right over there."

"So there is. Do you think no one else noticed it?"

"N-no…"

"SHADD-UP AND GET BACK TO WORK YOU PANSY!"

Piangi did exactly as he was told.

* * *

**Megx:** I continued, finally 

**Naomii:** Short rocks.

**Robin's Lil Angel:** Agreed

**Callopie Foster:** Favorite? Yay!  
**Madenhair: **We all have issues like that sometimes

**Captain Dred Pirate Roberts**: I agree. Jack's more fun when he's smashed.

**tikitikirevenge**: No, that was Bob. Ok, boring. Got it.


End file.
